If your sibling has a high need, does that automatically make you a Glass Child? No, it does not.
If your sibling develops an illness during your adulthood, does that make you a Glass Child. No, it does not.
If your parent has an illness or issues such as addiction that you had to grow up with, does that make you a glass child? No, it does not.
From my earlier post, the glass child term describes any child who has had to grow up with a sibling whose illness, disability, developmental issue or high-attention need requires more parental attention thus leaving the Sib without the care that would have ordinarily gone to them.
There are three important points here:
- We are talking about you as the Sibling, not as the child.
- This needs to happen in your childhood (typically classified as up to the age of 18).
- You did not get the care you needed because all the attention was on your sibling.
The Question is…Were You Seen? Or Were You Seen Through?
Why is the last point particularly important? Because being neglected is one of the most common issues glass children face. Particularly, emotional neglect.
Many of us may have grown up with all the physical care and things we need but did we have parents we could run to when we needed comfort, advice or support? Or did we sweep aside our feelings and issues because we saw how busy they were with our siblings and did not want to add additional burden to them? Were we expected to assist in taking care of our siblings even as we were not getting the care we needed?
As a result, many of us become hyper-independent and perfectionistic. Escaping and creating other realities is common. So is the need for validation. My post Emotional Neglect—Why You Need to Understand Its Impact explains further. And let’s not forget the insidious thing we carry throughout our lives—Sibling Survivor Guilt.
It All Depends on the Situation.
But why did I say that you are not automatically a glass child just because your sibling has a high need? Because if you’re lucky, and your parents have the foresight to see you and support your needs in what is always a confusing time, then you are not emotionally neglected. You are getting the support that you need even as your parents deal with your sibling. In best cases, your parents are able to continue fostering a healthy relationship between you and your sibling.
So why am I not a glass child if I am a daughter of a schizophrenic father or a son of an alcoholic mother, for example? Because in those cases, it is your parent who has the issue and it is likely that their incapacity will impact everyone—you and your siblings. You are not going to be growing up the invisible child among your siblings.
How about if I’m thirty years old and my brother suddenly develops a mental illness, why am I not a glass child then? Because when you are a young sibling, you have the coping skills of a child. If your parents do not guide you even as your sibling is getting ill or has a disability, you will not have the maturity to process and deal with what is happening around you. The start of a lifetime of unhealthy coping mechanisms begins.
Plus, if your sibling develops something when you are both adults, you will have a very different experience because you would have grown up with a “normal” sibling relationship in the first place, whatever type of relationship that entails. I did not say good, I cannot assume but it will be different from a glass child’s reality.
As the person who popularised the term Glass Child during a 2010 TedX talk Ms Alicia Maples says: “Our parents are so consumed with the needs of our brothers and sisters that when they look at us, they look right through us, as though we’re made of glass. That’s what a glass child is.”
I hope this gives clarity about when someone can truly be considered a Glass Child. Any thoughts about this, feel free to comment below!
Look out for my upcoming Glass Child articles featuring the Sibling’s loneliness, grief, coping mechanisms and many more. Please follow me on my socials to be updated on the posts: @lifeofyasmeenhc on Instagram and @notaprettypicture on Facebook.
