It is kind of ironic how on a year that is rather significant, I did not do my usual birthday post. Well, if the beginning of the year, with my emergency hospital admission, is any indication, things this year are turning out in rather unexpected ways. Whether it is something big or small, it does not matter. The point is, however I thought that things would be, somehow it just doesn’t seem to happen that way.
At this rate, I’ll just have to throw most plans and expectations out the window, I think! The good thing is, I find myself being really quite chilled about stuff. Like the perfectionist in me is losing some of her power.
Like, so what if you turned 50 and you did not time your post to appear on the big day? So what if you turned 50 and that grand goal you had of finishing the first draft of the book did not happen? So what if you’re going back to your Facebook post that you did put up on your birthday and copying part of it for the article here because…well, why re-hash?
Okay, so below is my Mid-Century Musing.
I’m 50 today. Am I where I thought I would be? In my 20s, I was in the prime of my career, yes, I blossomed early and was in love with my work and my friends. In my 30s, I met the man who would become my one true love. In my 40s, I struggled…a lot. As I turn 50, where am I?
A vision comes to me. I am 28, sitting at my desk, rocking Marketing Communications in the company I work at. I’m thinking of my colleagues in their late 40s and the stories of their kids. I’m thinking, yes, I will meet someone one day, and we will have two children. A boy and a girl. Just like my parents did.
It was effortless, the thought. As if it was destined to be. Just as I was destined to be a Marketing hotshot for the rest of my life. I smile, and turn back to my work.
No, I do not have the two children I thought I would have. And, no, I am not the CMO of a MNC.
I’ve had clouds hanging over me, omnipresent and suffocating. Holes I fell into, ominous and inescapable.
Yes, I still wish for things to have turned out differently with my family, sometimes with such intensity, my soul aches. But it’s less frequent these days, and when I feel it, it’s less intense.
Not having children, that is life-changing. But, in being forced to think about my real reasons for wanting children, I have realised that, perhaps, it wasn’t a desire that burned deep inside me, after all. I think it was just something I saw as the natural progression in life.
We did not have to spend our years taking care of children. Instead, my husband and I have had many chances to have the most amazing adventures around the world and discover new passions together.
Not being the kick-ass career woman I thought was my destiny, on the other hand, is harder to let go of. But, in being forced to come to terms with it, I have realised that there is more than one chapter to our lives.
Today, on my birthday, I want to reflect on how blessed I am to have a life where I get to fulfil my potential, in spite of, or perhaps, because of…everything.
So, as I turn the page halfway through this novel, I am grateful and glad for the person I have become, the person I am.
Am I where I thought I would be? No. Am I where I am meant to be? I think so.
